Glass
by SVUlover4015
Summary: It's a cycle. I started off empty, and then I'm empty again. Because I trusted you. You became my life. But as soon as that armor was out of the way, you stabbed me right through the damn heart. Now I'm broken. It's funny because people say when healed, a broken bone is stronger. But a shattered glass sculpture when glued back together is more fragile than ever./ EO-Bensler
1. Chapter 1

_**I didn't know if I was ready to write an EO thing, but I'll try. Excuse any typos. Please enjoy and leave reviews.**_

* * *

He's backing the trailer into the water while Kathleen and Lizzie are waiting on the dock. Dickie is in back of front of the car watching him back down the launch area.

"You're good, now just back straight in." Dickie says loudly

Soon enough he backs the boat is off the trailer while Elliot drives up the launch with the Jeep. Dickie waits in the boat, allowing the engine to idle enough to stay at the dock while waiting for his father to come back down.

"Hop on, we still have to wait for Maureen and Eric, plus they're driving Eli with them."

Kathleen carefully steps off the dock and places her feet on the boat as well as Lizzie. It took a while to finally convince their dad to go through with the idea of buying a boat for the lake. Elliot had finally gone through with buying a pontoon boat, basically a party boat that could fit about eleven people or so. He'd finally gotten enough money to actually go through with the idea, having had it in his mind for a while since he had moved to Northern California. It was a three hours drive from the city, but he'd taken the chance to finally be able to take the kids out to the lake.

"Look's like Maureen,Eric, and Eli are here, I can see em' coming down the launch."

The three make their way to the dock and hop in the boat.

"Hey, nice we could make it down here." Maureen says, pulling her sisters into a hug, and a punch in the arm for Dickie

"Hey Eli, come sit up from with us, I'll put sunscreen on your arms." Lizzie asks, seeing her little brother hop on the boat passing Dickie who sits in the drivers seat

"Maureen, let me see!" Kathleen says, pleading for Maureen to show her the ring that rests on her hand

Maureen approaches her and sits next to her, extending her left hand out.

"Wow, Eric you sure know how to please her." Kathleen comments

Eric has sandy brown hair, just enough to shag a bit, along with green eyes. Maureen had started dating him when she moved back to Jersey, and it was a solid three years until he popped the question.

He treads down the launch ramp, still as muscular as he was before he left the force. Maybe even more muscular with the workouts that came out of frustration and anger. Elliot looks at the six people piled into his boat, already sitting down while Kathleen takes a seat cushion off, revealing a cooler in a compartment. She hands Maureen, Eric, Lizzie, and Dickie a beer.

"Alright, let's get this started up, Dickie, move it."

Elliot starts the engine and begins to rear out of the dock area, gaining speed while passing trees that have been flooded. The kids come out to the city occasionally, and on a nice day, it's nice to get the boat out. He needed to find a hobby besides wallowing in his own depression after having left the force. Maureen had been dating Eric, Lizzie and Dickie were starting in college, and Kathleen was hunting for jobs. Eli switched custody between Kathy and Elliot half a year each. Elliot had considered it to be a long time away from one parent, but together they had come with a conclusion. Kathy still resided in Queens, having kept the house.

Elliot had left the force after having a young girl die in his arms, a young girl die in his arms because of him. He'd shot her, killed her. Right in front of his squad, he remember the silence of just him and Olivia making eye contact with each other, only to be shocked. Calls, texts, and emails were ignored from Olivia, only sinking farther into depression. Then his children had surprised him with a trip to San Francisco, trying to get him out of the house for once in the the last six months. It took him time to actually convince that he should go, and he eventually went, finding it as a new start to things, eventually convincing him self that he'd like to live there.

Kathy encouraged him to, even offering to pay some of it, just to get him to finally do something. Even though they had gotten the final divorce, she saw how little he interacted with his kids then, where he finally made the move and ended up moving out there, finding a place in the Noe Valley district, sure it was pricey for a house, but he had found a condo that was as much as his house back in New York. Kathy even helped out a bit, having felt a bit sorry for him, but eventually was back to her own independent self. They were still on friendly terms, but not as they once were.

The boat was something that was fairly recent, he liked feeling the wind in his face, having the warm wind dry him off as he got out of the boat. All together, the group talked amongst each other while Lizzie and Dickie secured life jackets on, helping Eli with his, and putting an orange flag up to signal boaters of people in the water. He turns on the radio to the boat, while Kathleen fools with it, finding a station that's good. It's a few hours on the lake also tubing, and then they dock the boat, and hook it up to trailer once again. While Elliot prepares the boat to the truck, the kids are talking amongst each other, except Eli who still stands in hand boat, watching his father dump water from compartments.

"Alright, think I'm done, you want to travel back with me or Maureen and Eric?"

The seven year old stares at his father blankly, and then answers.

"I can stay with Maureen and Eric, they wanted to take me to Fisherman's wharf."

"Okay." Elliot replies, hopping off the boat, and ruffling Eli's blonde hair.

"I think we'll start heading down to the wharf, otherwise it's going to get darker, thanks for inviting us out here Dad." Maureen says, while she holds Eli in her arms

Eric thanks him and he watches his older child walk away with her fiancé and brother. He smiles to himself while he hops into the driver's seat of the truck. The rest of his kids pile into the back, seeming eerily quite. He starts the car and lurches up the launch pad, and starts driver past cars that are parked with empty trailers.

"Dad, why'd you move out here?" Kathleen asks, who sits in the passenger seat, while Lizzie and Dickie sit in the back

"It's smaller, kind of a fresh start." He replies

"Do you like it?" Dickie asks

"Yeah, I do."

"You don't miss us?" Lizzie chimes in

"Course I do, it's just that you're growing up too, but at least I get to see you."

_He misses her. The feeling of being a complete selfish bitch comes to his mind, having just left with no replies, and he doubts that she even knows he's on the other side of the country. Maybe she misses him too, who knows_.

"You should come visit us, Maureen and Eric have a new house in Jersey, near the beach. They mentioned inviting you."

_He wasn't sure if he was ready to come back to New York, the place he had left with so many memories, so many that some he wish he could keep, some he wish he could burn. _

"Maybe-"

"Stop being full of shit Dad."

He swears he didn't just hear that word from Dickie. He was twenty one but he could cuss as much as he wanted as long as it wasn't in front of him.

He continues accelerating on the gas, but grips the wheel harder. Kathleen becomes uneasy in her seat.

"Watch your mouth Richard" Kathleen retorts telling him to cool it in a sibling sort of way

The kids know he hasn't been in contact with Olivia ever since the shooting, they were the ones to answer some of the phone calls, only being told to say he was busy or sleeping. Then he started to tell them to just ignore the calls, emails, and texts. The four put the boat back in storage and make it back to the city in two and a half hours, crossing the bay bridge, and finally finding a spot remotely close to Elliot's place.

"Want to come up?"

"No it's fine, we got to head back tomorrow, plus the car is in a time limit zone."

He forgot they rented a car all together, to get around San Francisco, either that or a bike.

"Okay, well thanks for coming into town, glad you could make it." He says, thanking them, wishing they could stay a bit longer

"Here." Kathleen says, handing Elliot an envelope

"What's-"

He doesn't finish his sentence when their car pulls away with them waving.

The way up to condo feels tiresome, but he makes it up there, and gets in the shower, not before dumping the envelope onto the kitchen counter. The couch is comfortable for three hours of sleep, but he wakes up, turning off the tv that brightens the living room. He sits at the counter with coffee in his hand. That's when he notices the unopened envelope. His hands rip open the seal, and he finds a boarding ticket that goes to New York. The plane leaves in a day.

_God dammit._

* * *

She can't believe that she still has pictures of him in her apartment. It surprises her that she hasn't smashed them against the wall, yet it's only one picture. Memories were brought up when a suspect started to go all psyche on her while she was going one on one with the man. He started to question her when she started questioning his work life, wondering about his work partners who happen to be women. He questions her after he glances at her hand.

_"I don't see a ring." He says _

_She ignores him and gets out of her chair, slamming it back into the table and circling the room while he stays where he's at. _

_"Do just be pretty lonely, seeing your squad go home to someone. Knowing that someone will be there."_

_"Shut up." She snaps _

_"You're sitting in that squad car, wondering if you'll ever have someone to take care of you."_

She hates the guy for knowing her most inner want. Her want to have someone to actually take care of her, to have someone to look forward to seeing her day after day. Guys had come and go, but only one person had a connection to her, he'd show up at two am in the morning, just to make sure she was okay. Maybe she's bluffing, she just misses him. She shouldn't miss, he left her. Like hell, she should be angry.

It's been rough, but she doesn't want to think to much about it. It's a cycle she thinks.

_It's a circle you see, you start off not believing that it's happening. You don't think that you can carry yourself much longer. No light. No hope. There's nothing but darkness and pain. You spend your days in a sort of shallow nightmare, flashbacks of him staring blankly at you, with your hands bloodied by crimson. Then phones start ringing on no and off. Nothing feels right. You can walk around, following as many routines as you like. You say the right things to the right people. You smile when your supposed to, laugh when they want you to. But it's not right. You don't belie bit. You don't believe that he just left without saying goodby. You go through life in a dark haze. The job is your only shield, your barrier. If you keep yourself closed up, no one can get to you. The emptiness is your armor. _

_Nothing can hurt you. Those who have holes in their skull, tears in their heart, doctors work to fix them, they give them the protection and don't let anything near them because they're so fragile. It's the same when you lose someone. Except your the doctor and patient. It's too much. It's too much for anyone to cope with. It becomes so overwhelming, so only just turn off._

_But then, sometimes a light comes along to guide you out of the darkness. You were the light for me. You showed me the path to happiness. You reminded me how to smile again. Piece by piece, you helped me remove the armor that I put around my heart. I was taught to laugh with emotion for the first time in years. You showed me that some things are worth living for. You were my light and my hope. I learned to love, laugh you taught me how to live. _

_But it's like I said before, it's a circle. I started off empty, and then I'm empty again. Because I trusted you. You became my life. But as soon as that armor was out of the way, you stabbed me right through the damn heart. Now I'm broken. It's funny, people say when healed, a broken bone is stronger. But a shattered glass sculpture when glued back together is more fragile than ever. So is a heart. And I am broken. _

_Now once again there is no hope. There is no light. And I'll know next time, that when another light comes along to guide the way to a brief moment of happiness, I'll know to go in the other direction. I won't make that mistake again. _

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_**Leave reviews if you want, don't know if I'll continue but I hope you like it. **_


	2. Chapter 2

The silence on the phone line between him and Maureen goes on for a few seconds before he says hello.

"Why New York?" He says suddenly, taking a deep breath

"Because we wanted your help in picking a place to get married, we were thinking mom could help too."

Before he has anything else to say, Maureen continues.

"We only have the church to choose, the venue is already chosen, and the wedding dress I picked out with mom, Kathleen, Lizzie, and Dickie."

He feels bad that he wasn't able to see his own daughter try on a wedding dress, something that a father wasn't supposed to miss.

"Alright, I'll be there. Just give me an address to meet you at."

* * *

Maureen sits with Eric, Kathleen, Lizzie, Dickie, and Eli at the kitchen counter. They surround each other sitting on stools, while staring at dozens of scattered invites. Kathleen and Eric had flown back alone, while the twins took Eli with them back to New York.

"I got some things to tide us over for a while." Kathy says, stepping into the doorway

"Thanks Kathy" Eric says getting up quickly from his stool, offering to take the bag she'd been holding.

Kathy gives him a hug while she takes his place at the kitchen counter. Eric unpacks the bag, taking out chips, quality sandwiches from a market in Queens, and Arizona twenty two ounce cans in different varieties. He places it in the middle of the counter where hands start grabbing at the food. An extra space is made for him, having all seven squish together.

"You got the grandparents right?" Kathy questions

"Both sets, same with aunts and uncles, extended family, some close friends as well." Maureen responds

Maureen stacks a few dozen invitations together and secures them with a rubber band.

"I have a set done for my parents and grandparents, as well as my sister. Same with extended family and close friends."

Another stack is secured with only a few more cards written with addresses. It's been a few hours but stamps have been put onto envelopes, as well as phone calls being made. RSVP's already made along with Dickie driving to the post office to get the invites out quickly.

He returns when the group is still doing the last of the invites.

"Dad isn't here yet, he shouldn't be boarding for a few hours." Kathleen says, checking her phone's time

"Eric, mind taking Eli to the park for a while?" Kathy questions him

"Course, come on Eli." Eric says, putting his hand out to Eli who hops off the stool

Eric is out of the house in a few minutes, taking Eli to the park nearby

It's a eery silence for a few minutes until Kathy breaks it.

"Alright we all know why we got him out here. Now explain." She utters

"Besides the wedding, we've noticed the past few years he's been different." Maureen responds

"Course, considering the fact that he killed a young girl."

"He's different in a certain way."

"I know, I've known if for a long time and I think it started when he left."

Kathy continues to interrupt them.

"I know all about the calls, emails, and texts, even I tried to get him to call her. He just couldn't face it. I know he loved me and Olivia would never, but I know he couldn't face her after killing the girl. She spent more time with him then I did, she knew his most inner secrets. It's just that she made him happy, and I want him to be happy."

"Should we call?" Kathleen asks, slightly excited

"I'll deal with it."

"Thanks, and I'm glad we can invite her." Maureen says

Maureen hugs her mother, as well as Kathleen, Lizzie and Dickie knowing that one of the most influential women in their life besides Kathy was going to be in contact yet again. Kathy isn't sure of this. She doesn't know how it will work out.

* * *

She still had the fridge filled with papers stuck to it by magnets. Important phone numbers and addresses that were years old had still been there. The only hope was that Olivia still lived in her apartment. It's early June and she slips out of the house into pale blue jeans and a white to shirt with a color block sweater. It's not too hot yet.

Her foot accelerates on the gas, growing more nervous by the second as she stares sf the passenger seat with an envelope on it. It's a Sunday and she possibly thinks back to when Elliot had some weekends off. She hopes she's there. Her car makes it's way to a familiar building and she heads up to the floor where she finds a number that's been engraved into her memory. Her fingers tighten around the envelope. She finds her self knocking on the door.

* * *

She hears the knocking on her apartment door as she reads a magazine. Her attire consists of black yoga pants and a white t shirt. Her hair is down in its wavy form just a bit past her shoulders. No make up means relaxation. She only hopes it's not a case. Her hand skims the lock of the door and opens it before considering the peep hole. It swings open.

* * *

"Kathy?" Olivia says questionably with a worried expression

Her deep breath draws attention to Olivia who stares blankly at her. Suddenly she finds herself staring at the wife of her ex partner. Maybe even ex wife, how the fuck should she know, he abandoned her completely without a trace.

_You get used to not expecting phone calls & having nothing to do at night._

_ You don't expect to turn around to open arms any longer._

_The small sounds of him have been replaced by silence._

_Your thoughts echo through my head, with no one to share them with._

_All in all, being alone isn't terrible… it just hurts like hell_

It's silent for a minute until Olivia snaps her head out of her thoughts.

"Come in." She urges, closing the door behind her

She looks at the brunette, noticing the larger dark circles than before, a few things here and there, but she notices the apartment is different from before. Pictures are gone from where they were before. She remembers seeing pictures of Elliot and her around sometimes, but she never asked.

Olivia tries to make conversation despite her shock.

"How are the kids?"

She's avoiding Elliot she thinks.

"They're great actually, Olivia I'm sorry for this appearance." She admits

"It's just-"

"Surprising, I know."

"Sit." Olivia motions, to the kitchen counter area

"Here, it's an invite to Maureen's wedding."

Kathy hands Olivia the invite with her left hand, noticing the bare ring finger.

"Maureen's engaged?"

"Yeah, she wants you to go."

_She just welcomed her partners ex wife that she hasn't seen in three years into her apartment. Now her partners daughter is getting married. What else could add to the shit of the pile._

"Just call one of the numbers when you think about it." Kathy says

She gets up from the counter and heads towards the door. Olivia follows her and as she says goodbye to her. Just like that with no explanation she's gone, no questions asked nor answered. She has so many. Her hands attach to a frame that holds a photo of her and Elliot.

_God dammit why did you have to come back into my life, I was over you._

_I've tried to go on like I never knew you_

_I'm awake but my world is half asleep _

_I pray for this heart to be unbroken_

_but without you all I'm going to be is incomplete _

_All these scars you left on me_

_all these memories you've gave me_

_all this pain, all this sadness_

_keeps running back to me when I look at you_

_I lay there upon my blankets & in the still of the darkness, I picture you & wonder where you are, what you're doing right now, wishing whatever it is, I could be apart of it & in a matter of seconds, just as quickly as the thought came, the silence breaks as the frames glass smashes to the floor._

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_**I really wanted to have Kathy not be an over zealous kind of person but I want her to realize what Olivia means to Elliot. Anyways, please review.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**_Take time to review._**

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Chapter 3

She never thought she'd find let herself laying awake because of him. After months of seeing that he wouldn't show up through the doors of the bullpen, she vowed she wouldn't give another restless night of sleep to him. Olivia Benson wasn't one to mourn for long, she just did if and got if over with. _Him_, though, he just haunted her thoughts, popping in again right when she needed the sleep.

_Do you know what its like to reach for the phone, and then have to pull your hand back because you remember you're not supposed to call anymore? You sit back with tears building up in your eyes because you know its not the last time you'll miss the conversations you shared._

She snickers to herself when a memory comes back. It's her and Elliot telling Munch to shut up as he goes on about conspiracies. They're waiting for the perfect timing to spring a prostitution ring. They lead that case to be solved and they closed it together.

_I miss you. Not enough to want you back, just enough for it to hurt._

* * *

He stands in front of the window, looking out amongst the park that he'd walked through so many times with her. Memories with all nighters in the car with coffee cups and trash piling up on the dash board, late night calls, he remembers one in particular.

_"So, are we okay?"_

_"I just need space to disagree with you so that I don't feel like it's going to cost me our partnership."_

He stares at the taxis going back and forth. Each one going to a new place each and every day, constantly moving. Starting fresh each day. He wishes for that contact again, he wants to feel security when he's near her. It's been a hell of a long time. God damn, it's been years, he's moved out of the city all the way across the country, and she has no idea. Maybe she doesn't even work special victims anymore. Maybe she's married, with kids now.

His cell phone rings.

"Meet us downstairs, we're meeting Mom there."

* * *

"The Loeb Boathouse? Wow."

"Yeah, we originally wanted this and booked it as the venue but also wanted our wedding here." Maureen responds

"Anything is fine, it's gorgeous, I just hope it's what you'll like. I can get the photographer if you want." He offers

"It's all taken care of, everything. Don't worry. We just wanted to make sure we all agreed." Kathy says, intervening

"Okay, I just want everything to go well."

"Elliot, I promise you, it's all taken care of. Just make sure to show up. It's in week..."

"That's coming up fast."

* * *

She'd been battling her inner demons for years, never knowing if they would leave her. At times she's okay but then they come back to haunt her.

_I'm drowning in my own fucking mind._

_We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours._

She stares blankly at the invite as she lifts the bottle of beer to her lips.

_"Just call one of the numbers when you think about it."_

_And suddenly, I become a part of your past. I'm becoming the part that doesn't last, I'm losing you and it's effortless. _

_Can you tell I haven't sleep well since the last time that we spoke?_

She finds herself dialing the damn number.

"Hello?"

"Kathy." She says sighing it with a released breath

Kathy recognizes the voice.

"Olivia, your coming?"

"Yes."

It's a simple answer. She doesn't know if she really means it.

"I'm glad you can make it. Maureen will be happy."

* * *

_Maybe she laughs and maybe she cries. And maybe you would be surprised at everything she keeps inside._

She tosses the invite back on the table. Her head reels from a headache.

_I am so mad because I convinced myself I was over you and now I know it was all pretend... I pretended not to light up when you entered a room...I pretended not to be upset when we got in a fight, I pretended I didn't look forward to seeing you everyday...and I pretended I didn't miss you when you didn't come around. Now all these lies have showed me is that I miss you so much more than I had realized_

_How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave? Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain, and even shared the tears. You're the only one who really knew me at all. I wish I could just make you turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why you're the only one who really knew me at all_

_I want to be able to look at you and not be hurt by you._

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**Please take your time to review. **


	4. Chapter 4

_**Please take your time to review. I'm still a bit skeptical about continuing this story. I want some reviews to know to continue or not.**_

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Chapter 4

* * *

_I guess to some extent you get used to being alone._

* * *

"Here, I found a few dresses I thought you'd like."

The saleswoman passes the dresses over the stall door.

_Dresses, she's shopping for fucking dresses. Her closest lacked a wedding guest type of dress. She takes the dresses that hang over the stall door._

"Thank you."

_She hates bright colors. They never looked good on her but the sales woman insisted that they did look good. It's a variety of short dresses and maxi dresses. Hues of blue,red, pink. _

* * *

"That one is gorgeous, you look great in blue."

The saleswoman sees Olivia looking in the mirror that's just outside of the stall. Her shoulder length waves frame the long chiffon gown. It's a lace and chiffon midnight blue gown. The neck line has a slight _v_ to it, but it covers her chest and shoulders. The lace stops to solid blue where her chest slightly shows. The waistline then scatters to chiffon material gathering in natural pleats at her feet.

Before she catches a word in, the sales woman hands her a box of shoes.

"Try them on."

Olivia opens the box, finding a pair suede cut out black pumps. They have at least four inches to them, and they expose the top of her feet, but covering her toe while a cuff wraps around her ankle. It gives her inches of height against the sales woman.

"You look great, I think you're about 5,11 now." The saleswoman says jokingly

* * *

The dress is hung up in the closet, along with the shoes accompanying it on top of her closet shelf. Once she closes the door to her closet, she takes a swig from the glass bottle of beer that's on her dresser. A knock echoes through the apartment from the kitchen.

Olivia places the beer bottle on the kitchen counter. She looks through the peep hole and sees a familiar face. The door swings open.

"Hey, Olivia, I thought we could grab dinner?" Kathy offers

"Um, I'm not-"

"It's on me." Kathy interrupts

"Let me grab my coat." Olivia says, obviously not wanting to abandon whatever reason Kathy has for being with Olivia

* * *

They end up at a diner near the east river. Kathy orders beer for herself and Olivia orders herself beer as well. The waitress walks away with their order in hand.

"Olivia, how are you?"

_Well, the tears are starting to slow down now...but the pain, however, remains constant._

"Everything's going okay."

_That's the best she can put it at. _

"Are you still working special victims?"

_He has gone and I'm alone. I miss what used to be. Even though he's gone, He left some good memories._

"Yeah, yeah I am."

"I'm glad they have someone like you." Kathy says softly

Olivia only smiles softly.

"Maureen is excited that you can make it. So are the kids."

"I'm glad to come, when did she get engaged?"

"Almost a year ago, his name is Eric, they were dating for quite a long time."

"That's great, I'm glad for her."

The food comes and they continue their conversation.

She doesn't want to ask about Elliot. She doesn't want Kathy to detect how much she wants to know how he is.

Kathy picks up Olivia's thought for some reason.

"The kids just visited Elliot, it's been a while since they saw him. He moved out of state just a little over two years ago."

_Great, he left state when he abandoned her. Not even telling her. Ass hole._

She doesn't ask where but Kathy answers her thoughts.

"He moved out to San Francisco. Found a permanent place there already."

_Fucking San Francisco? All the way across the damn country. _

Kathy places her hand on Olivia's .

"Olivia, I'm so happy you could make it. I really mean it."

* * *

_"I guess to some extent you get used to being alone."_

_You get used to not expecting phone calls and having nothing to do at don't expect to turn around to open arms any longer._

_The small sounds of him have been replaced by silence._

_Your thoughts echo through my head, with no one to share them with._

_All in all, being alone isn't terrible…it just hurts like hell._

_I've accepted the fact that you've left , but I've also accepted that you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life._

She slips into the shower quietly, and let's the water run, allowing the hot water to wear her skin while her mind numbs the pain.

_The best thing about showers? You can cry and break down while taking a shower and after, no one will ever know you cried. No one will know that your heart was so heavy and that you were begging for the pain to stop. No one will ever know but yourself._

_It's dark now. The spark went out along time ago._


	5. Chapter 5

_I'm really hoping for more reviews soon. :) they encourage me. Excuse any typos._

* * *

Chapter 5

She had picked out a fancy Chardonnay to give to Maureen and Eric. The fact that she hadn't seen the Stabler's in nearly three years, she decided to go with something that would go fast, not enough to remind them of her. She didn't want evidence that she had come back into their lives.

People in the apartment lobby gave stares at the woman they usually saw with a gun and badge on her hip. This time, they saw a woman who was framed by the midnight blue dress that reaches past her ankles. Brown hair is put into an up do of of tightened curls gathered in the back, creating a elegant look. Look layers of hair pile on the crown of her head but give her volume. The black heels give her even more height, but complete everything. Her cell phone and invite are tucked into a black clutch she holds.

Her steps lead her to the mustang, something she hadn't driven in a while. Its a 1965 black mustang convertible, something she bought a few years ago. She keeps the top up, not wanting to mess her hair. The car starts and soon, she's off to the Loeb Boathouse in Central Park. Her heart is beating faster as she puts the car in park. People are entering, some in tuxedos, others in possible bridesmaids dresses.

No one walks among the people entering that she knows. She guns for the entrance, feeling like a stranger while entering the building. A long hallway that's paneled by wood has people entering in and out of it while she spots a familiar face at the entry way.

"Olivia, thank you. For coming." Kathy says, pulling her into a hug

Olivia doesn't respond but only waits for Kathy's next sentence.

"The ceremony is being held in there, you're sitting on Maureen's side, it should be starting in twenty minutes."

* * *

Kathy wanders to others as she greets them. Olivia makes her way into the entrance of the ceremony room, where she sees a white carpet in the aisle, and wooden floors covered by chairs clothed in white covers with satin bows. The front is decorated in windows, allowing sunlight to come in an cloak the room with sunlight. People are standing amongst each other, talking to each other. She finds her seat, second to last from the aisle.

Familiar faces pop up, some of Elliot's old friends, and the Stabler kids' friends. She dreads making eye contact with whom she lost years ago. All the contact, gone. She sits down when she's joined by several strangers she doesn't know.

_"It's better to be alone sometimes."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because no one can hurt me."_

* * *

"Olivia, you look-"

It's when Kathleen pulls her into a hug. She cuts off her words there, absorbing the warmth.

"Different." Olivia says, continuing, keeping a happy face.

"I'm glad your here, we all are. Thank you."

People hush down and start to become silent. Others sit down as Kathleen sits in the chair next to Olivia, exposed to the aisle. The rest of the Stablers are spread amongst each other, others helping at different things in preparation.

* * *

The crowd is standing, their heads turned to the back entrance. The priest walks down the aisle, as well as ministers, and the rest of the wedding party. The groom waits, looking down the aisle. Maureen finally steps into view, wearing the white gown that shapes her, giving her the sophisticated look, while her hair is up, and her eyes framed by natural makeup. The train of the dress follows behind her. That's when she sees _him_, arm in arm, with Maureen on his left.

Elliot looks different somehow. He still has the rugged jaw of his, shaved, and his hair clean cut, he's wearing a tuxedo, framing his shoulders. He has emotion in his eyes, a relaxed expression. She doesn't break her gaze, instead she fixes it to Maureen. He hasn't noticed her. Yet she feels, he's a stranger.

* * *

The reception is transferred to the same building, only another hallway off. She walks to the bathroom first, looking at herself in the mirror. She exits and makes her way to the reception room. It's filled and she's seated at a table with part of the Stabler family friends. She has yet to see Elliot again. The tables are aligned with large clear vases with bouquets of flowers. The tables fit about ten, and she recognizes names that are places amongst the table. It's blue and silver for the theme color, while the lights are low as the sun begins to fade behind the windows. The bride and groom enter the room while everyone claps as Maureen and Eric circle the wood paneled dance floor and head to their individual table that's lined with flowers and placements.

* * *

He's watching his oldest daughter greet her guests table amongst table. She's walking around in her dress, dragging the train with her. He steps over to Kathy who is not too far from him, and whispers to her.

"I'm glad this worked out, she's happy."

Kathy smiles at him.

It's when he turns around back at Maureen who is hugging a woman for quite some time, only pulling her tighter into the hug. Maureen pulls back and looks at the woman. _Olivia_.

* * *

_He doesn't know how much he shattered her. _

_Most days, now his loss is a part of her, an awkward weight she carries around, invisible to everybody else, subtly altering the way she moves through the day. _

_"And we didn't talk after that" is probably the saddest thing to say. _

* * *

_**Please leave some reviews, that means the next chapter will come quick...**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**I hope you like it. Don't forget to review. Like please. I love waking up to them.**_

* * *

Chapter 6

Kathy sees him staring at her from across the room. She sees a blank expression behind hugs her again, and that's when she walks off towards the complimentary drink area.

"Kathy."

She knows he's been staring at her.

"We all wanted her to come. Maureen wouldn't want her to miss it."

_Can we get back to the times where we started? I miss the times when we talked to each other every day._

* * *

She is standing with a wine glass in her hand as she is talking to Kathleen.

"Everything is fine, I'm just looking for a job to hold down."

"That's great, I hope you do find one."

Olivia notices that Kathleen is distracted as she turns around. It's when she sees him approaching them, and Kathleen walks away, starting conversation with others.

_"You don't know pain." They said_

_Oh she knew_

_The paint of heartbreak _

_The pain of loss _

_The pain of feeling _

_Don't you dare tell her she doesn't know pain._

_It's engraved in her heart._

* * *

Her eyes have darker circles under them than before he left. Her hair is up with small loose curls framing her face. The blue dress and heels were an oddity to him, who knew maybe she picked up more style. The muscular tone to her arms give a toughness shell to her She's beautiful and her eyes glow, the glow has a certainty to it, it's give her the beauty that resonates off her. She's beautiful, and sad. _Just like her eyes. _

_She runs. Every morning, and some evenings too. Running has taken the place of thinking, of eating, sometimes of sleeping. She runs until her shins burn and her lungs feel as if they'll explode...she plugs in her earphones, closes the door, rams her keys into the pocket of her shorts, and sets off at a pace. She let's her mind flood with the deafening thumping beat, as the music leaves no room for thought. _

* * *

_Some days I find you clustered in my thoughts. Or I find you in evidence of what used to be us. Benson and Stabler. What the hell happened to us? I feel your presence next to me, as if you've been sitting next to be for centuries, waiting for me to notice you, and sadly I'm not noticing you. But the thing you don't understand is that I'm trying to stop noticing you, but trying to stop noticing you kip like trying to stop noticing that the ocean is blue or that all the oxygen in my veins left when you did._

_Can you hear the silence? _

_I don't know why you wanted me to suffer. _

_Can you see the dark?_

_Can you fix the broken?_

_Can you feel my heart? _

* * *

He approaches her with his hands in his pockets. She is looking past him, not at him. He's the one that looks into her.

"Martini on the rocks right?" He says, as casual as he always used to say when they had drinks after work

_No one ever made me feel like you did. Now I'm struggling to feel anything at all. _

"You decide to waltz on over here, after having not seen me for three years, and decide the first thing you ask is if I want a drink?"

The angry tone is filled with emotion towards him. Her eyes make contact with his, and he's watching her eyes flare up. She's careful about the loudness in her voice, not wanting to draw attention on to them.

_I thought I was done feeling like this. _

_There's nothing inside her. She's weak and tired of feeling like this._

"No, Elliot. I don't want a fucking martini, god dammit, you just walked out on me, three years, three years Elliot. How the fuck should you know if I like martinis anymore."

_Caring too much only fucks you over._

_I've gotten entirely too good at pretending it doesn't hurt._

_He's falling asleep while she's falling apart._

_Three years of his absence had left her shattered. Some nights were filled with wide eyes, others filled with more than she'd drink, others wondering if she could take it anymore. _

_What is more deadly, a gun or a thought?_

_A gun gives you the opportunity but a thought pulls the trigger._

* * *

"You know what, right now you don't get to say sorry."

"Liv."

He takes her wrist as she was walking away. She pulls away harshly and he stands there watching her heading towards Kathy and Maureen, saying goodbye. The kids stare at their father, wondering how he could let her slip through his hands.

_Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels._

Kathleen stops him from following her out the door.

"It's for the best right now."

* * *

_Do they even know how much it fucking hurts?_

She's driving through the city, back to her apartment. She has straight face on, but tears slip down her cheeks.

_The worst type of crying is the silent one. The one when everyone is asleep. The one where you feel it in your throat and your eyes become blurry from the tears. The one where you just want to scream. The one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. The one where you can't breath anymore. The one when you realize the person that meant the most to you, is gone_

_There is no use in planting flowers on bad soil and continuing to water dead daisies that will never bloom again._

_He learned my secrets, scars, bruises, flaws. And then he left. _

_Something invisible snapped inside her._

_While he kept walking_

_And walking _

_And walking_

_And walking _

* * *

_**I wasn't going to make it easy for them to reunite. So keep up the reviews and I'll keep writing. ;) **_


	7. Chapter 7

_** Enjoy, and leave reviews. Which means I keep writing.**_

* * *

Chapter 7

_My thoughts were destroying me ._

_I tried not to think but the silence was a killer too._

For years, she hadn't spoke to him. He hadn't spoke to her. The nights got lonelier each night, ending up having to wake up more tired each day. She'd wake up, sit at the edge of her bed, thinking, before finding strength to get up for the day.

_You feel so empty. You're not happy, you're not sad. You're nothing. When your mind is spinning but you can't feel anything._

_I just can't escape my thoughts._

_I fight to get through the night._

_People survive wars. People survive disasters. People survive pain. _

_People survive sadness. People survive hurt. People survive people._

_So why wouldn't I, one of the people, survive this?_

Occasionally, she'd find herself with more than she should of had. Her thoughts wondered aimlessly, knowing she was possibly becoming her mother. Those nights ended up taking a day off to prevent showing up with a hangover. The nights of drinking tamed down, but now it was nights of thoughts, just constant thoughts.

_When you're just waiting to get home, closing the door, and falling into bed _

_Just letting everything out that you kept in all day._

_It's a feeling of relief and desperation _

_Nothing's wrong, but nothing is right either._

_And you're tired._

_So tired._

_Tired of everything, tired of nothing. _

_You just want someone to be there and tell you that it's okay._

_You know you have to be strong._

_Be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you_

_You're tired of waiting _

_Tired of being the one to fix yourself _

_Tired of being strong _

_You want it to be easy, just once _

_To be simple, to be helped, to be saved._

It's the week after the three day weekend of Labor Day, kids are starting school, and the precinct is beginning to pack. The exhaustion she feels makes her dizzy, but she forces herself to get ready. Her reflection in the mirror defines exhaustion, she's so tired she doesn't bother fixing her make up. She leaves her apartment in her black slacks, and a white sheer blouse with a navy blazer.

* * *

He doesn't know if he should of left the envelope with her before he had gone back. The amount of guilt that over comes him is so intense that it burns, causing a headache.

_It's like leaving a torn seam unprepared_

_Benson and Stabler, a seam that tore, but mended themselves_

_This time, he left the seam untouched, torn, battered, and broken._

* * *

The day at the 1-6 was back to back questioning. She carries her grey shoulder bag hunched on her arm as she walks into her apartment building. The key rotates the door lock, and enters the apartment. A heavy sigh erupts under her breath.

A knock from her door erupts the peace of sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. Two hours of reading magazines keeps her mind off track from work. She makes her way to the door and looks through the peep hole, opening the door immediately.

"Maureen?"

"Hey Olivia." She responds, quietly

"Come in."

"Thank you. I'm glad you were able to come to the wedding, I really am, we all are."

Maureen stands near the door, her hands jammed in her pockets of the leather jacket she wears. Olivia stands across from her.

She only nods.

"Olivia, he wanted me to give this to you."

Maureen takes out a folded envelope from her pocket. She steps forward and gives it to Olivia.

_When you're around someone so much for so long they become a part of you, and when they go away, you don't know who you are without them._

"Open it. Please."

Olivia looks into her eyes, and crinkles the seam on the envelope, opening it. Her hands skim a folded paper in it. She takes it out and unfolds it.

"An airline ticket to San Francisco?"

Maureen nods at Olivia who doesn't seem shocked.

_The most painful goodbyes are the ones never said or never explained _

"Maureen, if you expect me to just-"

"Olivia, I know he hurt you. After someone hurts you, you're not the same anymore. I know all about faking a smile, it's easier than explaining why you're sad, or how you can even get up in the morning. What he did, it's fucked up, but I can't explain shit. I know you just can't come into someone's life, make them feel special and just leave. I mean it Olivia, just please. Whatever you do, just let him know you'll listen to him. Just once."

Just like that, Maureen is gone, leaving Olivia with the airline ticket in her hand.

_And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed. And this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see people on your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened._

* * *

_**Don't worry, it's still going to be complicated between Elliot and Olivia so you just have to wait and see, and review so I can continue. ;) Please leave reviews and excuse any typos. Reviews means I keep writing.**_


	8. Chapter 8

_**Excuse any typos, more reviews means I keep writing.**_

* * *

Chapter 8

_You're the reason I have these awful bags under my eyes, I stay up till 4 am hinting about you. If you miss me, if you know how much pain you've caused me. It's bizarre how a person can make your heart drown in a sea of regret and leave a hurricane of bittersweet memories behind._

The suitcase fills with t-shirts, sweat pants, jeans, jackets, and sweatshirts. He had a way to get to her, to get what he wanted. She knew that. Her flight was leaving in two hours to San Francisco, and at some point she can't believe that she's going. Another point gives her reason to think why she shouldn't go. Is she chasing him? Giving him another chance? He can be such an ass. Even if she decides to actually talk with him, he isn't going to get it easy.

* * *

The wedding had been exciting for him, everything was on course, walking his daughter down the aisle, greeting guests, then seeing her, for the first time in years. He just walked up to her, thinking she could just fall into his arms, what a bull shit move to make. Asking her for a drink. Obviously you can't just walk up to the woman you were partners with for twelve years, leaving her without a word, a call, or even a text, and then asking her if she wants a damn martini.

He had the balls to send Maureen with a plane ticket to San Francisco. She had given it to Olivia, only giving her the option, she didn't have to go. He had chosen to leave, not wanting her to be a thing in his life. But now, it was her choice, whether to want him back in her life, or continue without him. The cell phone number he had for Olivia was still in his contacts, waiting to be used to call or text her.

* * *

It takes an hour to get through check in and security. She hadn't packed her gun with her, not wanting to go through the hassle of special tsa check, and wondering why she would need it anyways. Her badge gave her added security to herself anyways. Her I.D. was with her badge, and as she showed it to the tsa officer before security, he gave a slight nod to her. The airline was united, and she had been given a window seat. JFK airport fades away in the clouds as she sits back in her seat, staring out the window

Telling Cragen she needed some time off, he gladly allowed her, knowing damn well she deserved it. She hadn't explained much, just that she needed a some time to herself and that she'd call soon.

* * *

The flight was six hours, and she was well into three hours of the flight. Her seat placement was next to a young man, around twenty two, maybe even twenty. He had dark brown hair, and green eyes, he was well built too. The young man kept to himself as he waited for the flight attendant to process his credit card for the dinner plate he had ordered.

"Anything for you miss?" The flight attendant asked, interrupting Olivia's thoughts from the window

"Yeah, sure, I'll just take the regular plate." Olivia says, as she digs though her carry on for her wallet

She finds her wallet, and takes the dinner plate from the attendant, and hands her the credit card. Her badge flashes next to her I.D. as she takes the credit card back, and signs the electronic device the attendant hands her.

"Thank you."

The attendant goes onto the next row as Olivia starts on her plate.

"Pardon my snooping, but I couldn't help but notice the badge."

Olivia realizes it's the young man that's next to her. He's looking at her and she makes eye contact with him.

"Oh, yeah, guess it's a part of me." She says, laughing a bit

"That dedicated huh?" He asks, smiling.

Olivia laughs a bit, and then takes a bite from the plate.

"Are you an air marshall?"

"No, I'm just NYPD, on travel."

"Glad you can get a break every once in a while." He says, in a charming kind of way

"You must be interested in being a cop one day, aren't you? "

"That noticeable?"

"Well when you start questioning me like that, sure is." She responds, smiling.

* * *

The young man's name was Scott. She had learned that he had been studying at NYU, and making visits back to his family that was in San Francisco. He had planned to try and become a police officer in New York. She had told him she was a detective, but not in too much detail to scare him off. He was young and very interested in joining the force. Together, they had talked for most of the flight, and parted at the gate.

* * *

The rental car was a black BMW from the airport. With directions from employees, she had found herself in downtown San Francisco, in Union Square. The Westin St. Francis hotel Square was the hotel she had booked. Eventually, she finds herself on Powell St. and finds a parking space, exiting her car, and taking out her suitcase and carry on.

* * *

It's mid afternoon in San Francisco and she's getting antsy. Maureen had given her an address. She wasn't sure if she would show up at all, maybe she should just enjoy herself for now. Her room is spotless, with a large bed and a view facing the Bay Bridge, and slight views of the Embarcadero, Fisherman's Wharf, and the Ferry Building. She leaves the hotel room, taking her car keys with her, and her wallet. Her instincts tell her to explore the city, which leads her to the Bart station on Powell and Market. It's like the subway, but San Francisco version. She takes Bart and gets off the Embarcadero stop.

As she walks out of the station and up the escalator, she's bombarded by tents of people selling jewelry, clothing, all tourist things. She crosses a track for street cars, and walks towards a pale blue building with a large clock on it. It's the Ferry building, she assumes. The walk guides her to the barrier on the wharf, keeping her from the water and ground level. The Bay Bridge bustles with cars, and on the other side of her, cars whiz by. She walks down the street, as couples pass her by, families walking here and there, and occasionally passing by street entertainment.

* * *

The Embarcadero was a long walk, eventually stopping at the exploratorium, and then being coerced by a pedi cab for discount deal down the Embarcadero. She gladly took the offer, wanting to get off her feet. The pedi cab driver had striked up a conversation with her.

"The best place for Italian food is definitely North Beach, best sea food is all around Pier 39, definitely a lot around here. You have to eventually get to Ghirardelli square, the Golden Gate, Alcatraz, Chrissy Field, Ocean Beach."

"Thanks for the information." She smiles, as she hands the man money

"Have a good one."

A man in the hotel bar had been making advances at her. She kindly was able to shoo him off, only wanting to sit down and have a drink. A good one in fact. The bartender was a woman in her late twenties, and recommended the San Francisco cocktail. The bar was filled with business people, a few couples here and there.

She can taste the vermouth. It's just enough to numb the thoughts.

_"I'm here for you. _

_You're not alone._

_You'll always have me."_

_Fucking bullshit._

_When it's 2:30am and the pain_

_Runs up my throat and rips itself from my mouth_

_In a silent scream ,I'm alone_

_Her mother, the abuse, her. She was the thing that caused her mother to be a drunk. She'd stay at school for as long as possible to avoid her mother. Then the sadness started overcoming her._

_Sometimes we get sad about things and don't like to tell other people that we are sad about them. We like to keep it a secret. Or sometimes we are sad but we don't really know we are sad. So we say we aren't sad. But really, we are._

_We blame all kinds of people for creating monsters. Why not ourselves. The daily inner battles, shattered mental health, what is there more to run from when the monster is myself?_

* * *

The running water drowns out the tv that blasts in the room. The hot water is scorching hot. She steps into it, letting it burn her skin. Of all things, she's in San Francisco, chasing her ex partner of twelve years, while he should be apologizing for leaving her. How the hell did she end up here anyways? How dare he just assume she would chase him. It was true though, the lack of stability, sensibility, comfort, all of it added to the nothingness.

_It was a horrible sadness, to hard to explain_

_Just an endless depression, a new form of pain_

_Night after night, the memories come back_

_It got harder, and harder, keeping my senses intact_

_We will never be anything but the shattered glass after it hits against the floors simple made for breaking. And we will break as if we were only built with the weakest parts, and as if anything a bit strong could simply fracture our already broken bones, and we will lie motionless, for we will never be the same again. A glass that has chipped forever and always have the simple flaw and now, that's who we are. We are solely broken, chipped, fractured glass lying on the cold ground._

* * *

_**I really liked this chapter, if you did, review. Reviews motivate me, and that means I keep writing. **_


	9. Chapter 9

**_I love this chapter probably the most because it was one I enjoyed writing the most. I need more motivation, so give me lots of reviews please! :) _**

* * *

Chapter 9

She finds herself in front of his door. It's an old Victorian, with two doors, separating the two sections of the building. It comes to mind she has no idea what she's doing. She wants him to know that he left her. Now she's chasing him, letting him know that she's missed him. _So much_. That he should miss her.

She knocks on the the door that's to the farthest of her right. It's a dark colored wood, while the house is painted the faintest of yellows, just a pastel kind, keeping the house calm. There aren't any signs of Elliot here, nothing to remind her of him. It's a surprise to her, because it's actually sunny today, despite the other two days she spent in her hotel, due to the fog. There's wind though, it's a strong wind. The black cardigan she wears keeps the heat in. The long knee high leather boots cover her dark navy jeans.

The blurred glass framing the door shows movement, some form approaching the door she knocked on. Her heart speeds up.

He has slight scruff to his chin, just enough to be noticeable. A grey sweatshirt comforts the black sweats he's in.

She wants to tell Elliot that he's everywhere in that squad room. She thinks she sees him a thousands of times a day. She makes her own coffee and it's never as good as when he makes it. No one tells her to go home at the end of the day, no one lights up her cell phone only five minutes after she's left because they need to ask her one more thing. She doesn't go out for a drink after work with Fin and when she walks in every morning, she doesn't feel the need to exhale just because she sees her partner already occupying the desk across from her. She wants to tell Elliot that on the stakeouts, her partner checks his watch every fifteen minutes as if he has somewhere else to be, and when someone calls Fin, she can't tell just by the tone of his voice who is on the other end of the line.

_It's different, he left. She stayed, he quit in the middle of it all while he left her to fend for herself._

"Hey Liv"

He has no right to call her that anymore. Shes missed the voice of his, calling her name, no matter the situation. But this right now, he has the balls to do it.

She doesn't speak to him, only stands outside the doorway, slightly swaying, waiting for him to make the next move. He moves from the doorway and gestures her to come in. She walks into the doorway, and he closes the door. It's brightly lit, and he walks to his right as she follows him.

His footsteps are seconds behind hers, and she wonders when it was that they stopped walking in sync, if she'll ever be that connected to another partner again like she was with him.

They walk down a hall where he then enters through a doorless entry way, revealing a large wood floor living room. The kitchen is off to the side. He walks to the kitchen that has a dining room. He opens a silver double door fridge, and takes out a Guinness. He takes one out for himself, popping the caps off, and gives her one.

* * *

He doesn't know if she still likes Guinness. He doesn't know if she still takes two sugars in her tea, or if she even drinks tea anymore. He doesn't know if she still tries to find someone, he doesn't know at anymore. He doesn't know at all.

Her hair is lighter than it was before he left, it has a natural look to it, waves that just stay in place. The cardigan she wears is long, stopping at her mid thigh, and her jeans stop to a knee high leather pair of boots. Her expression is hard to read, he could've read her like a book before, but now, he's not sure how to, and frankly, doesn't know who she is anymore. Her cheeks are sunken in, her eyes rimmed with black eyeliner, and large dark circles, heavier than before, are decorating her eyes.

He doesn't realize that every time she introduces herself and Nick or Fin to a victim or a suspect, that it grates on her ears. He doesn't realize that Manhattan is a cluster of corruption, and he just decided to sailed right on out of it. He acts like he owes her absolutely nothing, and maybe he doesn't, but it sure as hell feels like he does.

* * *

She is frozen, sitting on the kitchen stool around the marble counter while he leans on the sin. He watches her stare something that's behind him, with the beer in her hand, the other arm folded onto the counter. It's as if life dumped her off here and she has no idea where the hell she is.

"What the fuck is going on?" Elliot whispers, in a harsh tone, angry with himself rather than her.

It's a tone she recognizes, the first in years. She makes eye contact with him.

"What is it? Work? Is it bad? You wanna talk about it?" He asks

"I should go." Olivia says, shuffling from her stool

She's already pushed the stool out from under her. He grabs her wrist as she starts to walk towards the door. Taking the beer from her other hand and placing it on the marble counter, he locks eyes with her. He doesn't even blink.

"Stay here."

She shakes her head before she even realizes she's drowning in her own words.

"You-"

It's the break in her voice that gives her a small burst of composure. She can't do this. She can't sound like this. She clears her throat, and slightly tugs against Elliot's grip. The words start spilling out.

"Never mind. It's takes six hours back, El. I should get on the road. It was good to-"

He gives her a familiar expression she recognizes. He narrows his eyes and his jaw flexes.

"Save the shit, Olivia."

He knows just how to get at her, to pick right at her most tender spots.

"You think I'm the one who's dishing out shit?" She responds harshly

"Yeah. You came three thousand miles for what? For a beer?" He retorts back, in the familiar tone he'd use when they argued over things

_To see you. To see you, goddammit. I've been waiting and...and nothing. It's nothing._

* * *

_Don't give me a reason to leave. Please._

_If you walk away now, you're losing him anyway._

_He won't come back to New York._

_He knows you're damaged goods. He knows this._

_He wants you anyway_

_It was just a matter of time, Olivia._

_You were always going to lose him._

* * *

_"Blink your lights when you get inside."_

_"You can always walk away."_

_"You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore."_

She can feel the press of the cold metal to her head and she closes her eyes, not wanting to see the moment the sun disappears for good. It's going to end in a parking lot, and he'll watch.

She'd come out of that alive, and he had held her. Close. Just comforting her.

* * *

If we're put on earth to learn about the struggle of life, does struggle ever stop? He used to tell her that God never gave us more than we could handle. If we keep handling things, is it his job to push us until we completely break, shatter? Until it can no longer be fought?

And if we're meant to struggle, then how many people have to come along for the ride with us? How many people have to prove their faith or their resilience? Because I don't get that. If my mother had to suffer, is that why I did?

I used to be a fighter. I used to remember how it felt to get completely angry, instead of whatever this is. Let the fight return. But maybe I shouldn't fight this. Maybe I know I deserve it. To learn some kind of lesson, right? Just let him slip away.

_I gave wrong people the right pieces of me_

* * *

**I wasn't sure if I was going to write this week. I felt totally unmotivated, but please help me out with reviews, those give me the best motivation.**


	10. Chapter 10

_**enjoy.**_

* * *

Chapter 10

She is storming down the front stairs as he leans in the doorway with his arms crossed. He has that god damn smirk on his face. It frustrates her knowing he isn't doing anything. Her arms shake as she grips the keys in her hand, well aware she must be leaving imprints in them by now. She reaches the handle of her car door to the passenger side, throwing her coat onto the seat. A slam follows it as she rounds the car onto the other side. Words rip out of her mouth with anger.

"You can't just make me feel different and then get up and leave"

She glances at him before she opens the drivers side. It's when she looks at him that he begins to make his move. _To break her again, to make sure she will be in his control. The damn idiot always did that._

"You know what your problem is? You get attached, fast. And once your attached to someone, you do everything you can to please them and make them happy. It's never been about what you want, it's always everybody's needs before your own. You give out to many chances to people, who quite frankly, do not deserve them. They take advantage of you, and you become a pushover. But you're okay with that, because they're in your life and that's all you ever really wanted. And even if they screw you over, you'll still be here for them. Because that's who you are. Once you get attached to someone, they capture your heart and they always have a place there. That's why it's so hard for you to let go."

_Wam. It's like he punched her right in the gut._

_She'd always known that. Her attachment was close when she started to open up to someone. Her childhood had lacked that. The distance had been so great in her life that she shut others out. It's when Elliot came along, and gave her someone to be there for. Twelves years of attachment and he shut her out by walking out on her._

_He forgot about you. Remember that_

_War wounds were branded onto the skin of every person who walked the earth. She knows better than most that it's all visible, that nothing is worn inside the heart. But hers, it's been branded, burned, beaten, and stitched._

"Just admit it Liv."

He's still smirking. _Fucking jackass._

At this point, she's had it. She's already back at the porch and he stands straight now, watching her come towards him. It's when she lines face to face with him that he's a well four inches or so taller than her. He sees something different in her eyes, the life isn't there anymore, and he's the reason for taking that away.

"Does it even bother you that we don't talk anymore?"

He doesn't let a word out, he let's her ask questions.

"I called you too many times to count, texted you, goddammit Elliot how could you just walk out on me like that?"

It's like she's saying he left her as if they were married. They're weren't, they never were, they were partners. That's it. But the jackass needs to know how many nights he left her wondering.

"I cared enough to call if you were okay. I cared enough to see if you didn't go down that rabbit hole, I even dared to think if you ate your own gun!"

Her voice is rising.

"I care. It fucking terrifies me how much I care."

She is self destructing in front of him. She won't let him see her like this.

"And I can't forget the time we stayed up all night after a tough case, talking endlessly for hours, about absolutely nothing. You kept my demons away, you told me stories, you made me laugh, and that night, I wasn't scared of my thoughts. Now, I'm more terrified than ever."

"The hardest thing is not talking to someone you used to talk to everyday."

* * *

He hears his mothers voice in his head.

_You're just like your father. All buttoned up, no imagination. No spirit. If anything is just a little out of the ordinary it scares you to death. Anything that doesn't fit into your neat little boxes, you just can't take it._

Throughout his life, he's learned to walk away through it all. Through his father telling him men didn't cry, through his mother's episodes, through it all. Now, he's in San Francisco, three thousands miles away from her. He just walked out of her life and moved across the country, not even bothering to tell her.

_He's erased his childhood, he's erased her._

She is crying then, openly.

"I'm tired. Don't you get it? I'm fucking tired!" Her voice is rising. She is panicking, yet

unable to help herself calm down.

"I'm so..." she heaves.

"So tired..."

And he holds her, his chin on the crown of her head as she leans against his chest, his arms wrapped around her back. Just allowing her separated breaths to even out with his.


	11. Chapter 11

_**I'm very grateful for my readers, it's alright to be recognized once or twice with reviews, but all that matters is that you guys are enjoying the story. :)**_

* * *

Chapter 11

She wants him to know that she doesn't need him, and here she is crying into his arms like a child who's afraid of the dark. She hates him, she's sure of it. She promised herself she wouldn't do this, but she's just so god damn tired.

"Liv-"

Her anger comes back again. She pushes away from immediately and walks down the porch stairs, sitting down on them as he watches her.

_Sometimes, you need to burn bridges to stop yourself from crossing them again._

"I can't believe I've been this stupid. I came three thousand miles and this is what happens."

A memory of an investigation comes to mind. An older woman had said _never run back to whatever broke you._

"Liv" he says, bending down to her height, touching her shoulder

She swipes his arm off of her.

"You don't know me anymore, you just got up and left!"

"Just let me get a damn word in!" He says, his voice rising

Olivia gets up from sitting and has her back facing him.

"Can we just start over? Start over here, where we can just talk without fighting?"

She doesn't speak.

"Just come with me."

He steps down the porch stairs and walks past her, towards the street where her car is. A black jeep is parked across the street and he crosses it and gets into the car. Olivia stands in the middle of the sidewalk, arms crossed. She stares him down when he rolls down the window.

"You comin or not?" He says, using the smile he always had to persuade her.

"Fine, but the radio is all mine." She says

* * *

It reminded him of the days when she'd play her music in the car while waiting in the squad car. She'd play old eighties hits when he'd play rock and roll. They'd always argue over who got the radio first, who'd get the first shift of sleep. Who would get the coffee, who'd cuff the bastard they were after.

He drives through the area, driving through Golden Gate Park, letting the traffic slow them down. There's no conversation, just silence. She watches the jiggers with dogs pass them as they're stuck in traffic. They pass stow lake, where boats are being paddled by people. They get through the park and drive for another ten minutes.

It's a huge road with a barrier of ice plants, one side is exposed to the ocean and the other side is exposed to houses in front of the ocean front. A distance ahead, there's restaurants in sight, and then he turns into a lot of cars, and parks the jeep in front of a cement barrier. He gets out of the car and starts walking towards a break in the barrier, down stairs and onto the sand.

She sits in the car, watching his figure get smaller and smaller. Her footsteps guide her down the stairs and onto the sand. She's a good number of yards away from him. The water is lined with a few cargo ships, otherwise, calm. Just the sea, moving in and out, connecting to the land.

The seagulls scatter as he gets closer to the water. They regroup again and he knows they'll descend again. Something about habit. About the need to regroup. The water is loud as the small waves roll in. People are scattered, walking around, on the day that God decided to let the fog roll away, allowing the sun to hit his face, causing him to squint. He'd never have time to go to the shore in New York. His mother had told him once.

_If you could just take a deep breath. Smell the ocean air. Feel the sun on your face. The wind. The sand beneath your feet._

* * *

The day is calm, and the sun is out, not obscured by any clouds. She's nearing him. She didn't bring her sunglasses out here, neither did he, and when he turns towards her, she is squinting at him against the sun.

"What the hell are we doing out here?" she asks, blocking the sunlight with the back of her hand.

"Jesus, Benson. You need a plan for everything don't you?"

He watches the salty air tangle her hair. He loves the way the sun radiates off her skin,a smooth olive color.

"Pretty much, so?"

He can't believe she is actually here. He can't recognize that they aren't together by the death, assault victims or rules. Not anymore. He left her, without telling her a single word. But that didn't mean he would not come back for her.

Elliot chuckles a bit, causing her to look up at him with frustration.

_And you laugh like you've never been lonely. You laugh like there's hope in the story._

"Alright Stabler, what the hell? So I came three thousand miles, let's talk now."

She speaks with authority in her voice, as if she did when they were partners.

He is taking off his shoes, then his socks, and holds them in his hand. He gets closer to the shore, and starts walking in the wet sand, letting the waves close in on his feet as he walks parallel to the water. She walks near him, to his right, letting him be the barrier for her, protecting her from the cold pacific. It's a large enough gap to know she's distanced from him. She walks with him, but they don't walk in sync, not as they once were.

He stops and she stops as well. He let's the water cover his ankles. She steps back, letting the waves get sucked in again.

"When do you knows it over?" He asks quietly, looking at her crossed arms, her head looking down.

_She always tried, but she lost something. She lost hope in him, in herself._

"When someone stops trying," she answers. "Or worse, when trying no longer works."

* * *

_**make me smile with a review? :) **_


	12. Chapter 12

_**Sorry for the delay, I've been busy, plus the new season premiere! :) anyways please review. :)**_

* * *

Chapter 12

She is sitting on his couch, legs crossed, with a beer in her hand. He remembers when she'd sit carelessly around him when he was at her apartment. She'd sprawl out her legs, letting them rest on the coffee table as they laughed with one another. Now, she looks like as if she's a kid avoiding conversation while their mother talks with friends.

"You want another?" He asks, noticing her empty bottle

"No I'm fine."

He watches her, keep her feet planted on the floor now, staring at the coffee table.

"I'll take your bottle."

She gives it to him as he walks over to her. He turns from the kitchen, viewing her. Watching her. Her jaw line is more visible than the last time he had seen her. Her olive colored skin leans in to her cheekbones. God she hasn't eaten much, she's lost weight.

He knows immediately.

He had wondered if he would feel like the one left behind when she had showed up. If she would still be herself and he would be someone else entirely different and if that would make him feel like the world had left him out. The truth is that he was the one to walk away, but that doesn't mean he didn't worry like hell that her world would go on without him, despite him, as if he had never been there. She's changed, and things have happened, but he walked away and wasn't there for her.

"I noticed everything. I still do." He whispers, barely audible for her to hear him

Who were you before they broke your heart?

She scoffs at him and turns her body, angling away from him, staring out the window.

"I remember when you'd always but those flowers in your tea, you still do it don't you?"

She shakes her head, still avoiding him.

"Liv,"

* * *

It's when she gets up, turning around on the balls of her feet, staring him eye to eye.

"Oh come on Elliot, you know you're just trying to suck up, you've been gone for three years. Three damn years. You left, with no call, text, letter, _anything_, how the hell was I supposed to know you were across the fucking country living it up in San Francisco?"

"Liv-"

He's gotten closer to her, nearly inches away from her, closing in while she's frozen in front of him, staring at his deafening blue irises. The grip she feels on her arms makes her thrash in his arms.

"Let me go." Olivia says strongly

He doesn't let her go. Only loosens his grip, but not enough for her to get out it.

"Olivia, please."

"God dammit Elliot, _just let me go_!"

He finds her fists connected with his chest. Her eyes have a sense of vulnerability to them, she always walked with a strong shield to her, but it was cracking, and she was visible to the outside world. He let's her go, watching her stand still in front of him, staring him in the eyes.

"I wasn't there. I know, whatever it was, I wasn't there and I should have been." Elliot says, out of breath with tears pricking his eyes

She shifts, and he notices.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there."

He can't expect her to outright just tell him what happened over the years. She wasn't an easy person who told people things. She didn't tell him about Sealview, amongst other things, and there was no way she'd tell him now.

She only stares at him and walks to the kitchen, opening the tourist magazine that's on the counter. He knows she's changed the subject and he doesn't dare to go back in fear of Olivia walking out.

"Pier 39? Let's go."

* * *

He finds himself playing air hockey in the old penny arcade with Olivia. She had wandered off the pier, towards an old docked naval ship, and saw the building, noticing some games that were familiar to her, probably Elliot as well. Other games were older than them, and he found it amusing that Olivia was kicking his ass right now.

"Game point, Stabler, watch out." Olivia teases, with a slight smirk on her face

Elliot knocks the puck towards her end, and only to caught out of breath by Olivia's straight to the hole shot. She sinks the puck into his end, winning the game.

"Alright Stabler, you owe me jewelry."

"How about cotton candy?" He says smirking

"Fine, as long as it's all mine."

He watches Olivia walk out of the arcade, starting to walk towards the pier. He jogs out the door, catching up with her. She has long strides in her walk and they walk together, side by side, not enough to touch, but enough to comfort him. They don't walk in sync as they once were, but for now, he's content with her.

* * *

"Olivia, you can stay if you want, I've got a spare room." Elliot says warily, trying not to scare her off

"Just because you took me to the pier today, doesn't mean I'm still not pissed as hell at you. I'm going to stay at my hotel for now. We'll talk." She says

She walks down the front stairs while Elliot watches from his doorway. He's afraid to let her walk away, but for the moment he trusts that she won't walk away. Not yet.

* * *

_**please review. I'll have another update hopefully this weekend.**_


	13. Chapter 13

_**Sorry if there's any typos, but I liked writing this chapter to enjoy and don't forget to review! :) **_

* * *

Chapter 13

She hadn't called him that morning. He was pacing sitting in a coffee shop near Ghirardelli square. He watches the tourists walk around, wondering which way was which as he sipped his coffee. The vibration from his cell phone gives him the gut feeling it's Olivia. Accepting the call, he's greeted with her voice.

"I wandered around a bit. Went through Macy's and union square."

"Find anything interesting?" He says chuckling a bit on the other end

"Sure, for about four hundred bucks."

"With all the days you've got-"

"Shut up Elliot, just tell me how to meet you wherever you are."

"Fine, I can just pick you up."

There was something where she didn't want him to know where she was staying. She still wanted the option to feel in his presence while in the city, but far away enough so he didn't chase her. Before she had time to reject him, he intervened.

"I'll buy lunch, you're right near Lefty O'Douls, it's a block away from Union Square on Geary. Meet ya there."

He hung up before she could argue.

* * *

They're sitting there with shepherds pie, across from each other in a table by the window. He takes in her exposed collarbones, her shoulders, her jaw line, all as she looks put the window. She watches the people of San Francisco walking around, relaxed looking even though they're in suits and heels. It's different here, in New York City, it was so clogged, so rushed, everything was when she's there. Here, she finds herself not worrying about what cases haven't been closed yet, that she forgot to lock her door, or forgot to write up a DD5. Here, all she worries about is the sadness coming back.

_You still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood._

_And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door._

"Why San Francisco?" She asks, tilting her head, staring at him, bit avoiding his eyes

He laughs a bit with that idiot like smirk on his face and it pisses her off. She wants to know why he left her, why he left without a single fucking word to her.

"It's different." He simply answers, inhaling musty air as takes a bite of the shepherds pie

She breaks contact with him and stares out the window again. He notices that her eyes are glazed over with moisture. Her eyelids puffy. She'd been crying at some point, for reasons he doesn't know. He doesn't know much about her anymore.

"How bout ice skating?"

"Are you kidding me ?" Olivia responds

"No, the rink is just a couple blocks away, we can take my car."

She isn't sure if she should accept, but he gives her the smirk she always hated, the smirk he gave when he was about to get his way with her.

* * *

The indoor rink is populated with young couples, some kids, and a few older people. Others are attached to the side rails while Elliot and Olivia are continuously in the circle, going counterclockwise with the crowds.

She's ahead of him and he's catching up with her, knowingly that she is trying to beat him at something physical, she'd always beaten him at his own mental game while he powered her in muscle to muscle contact. Elliot catches up with her, matching strides with her.

_And for the briefest instant, it almost feels like we're together again._

"One lap around, whoever loses buys dinner." Elliot says, quickly barely enough for Olivia to hear

He's speeding ahead of her when she realizes what he said and she takes off, pacing behind him by seconds. Elliot slows down for a brief moment, weaving in between two teenagers as Olivia takes the inside path, gaining the lead. She strides faster, gaining to the the starting point and brakes, grabbing hold of the side wall. He follows behind her, almost touching bodies, feeling each other's heat radiate off one another.

She laughs hard at him while he catches his breath, and he smiles, looking at her, making eye contact. It's when she smiles too.

_And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy._

* * *

The car ride through the Embarcadero is silent. Olivia leans her head against the glass window of the jeep while Elliot drives with one hand on the steering wheel, tapping the brakes to slowing traffic. He hears her breathing, it's uneven, not in sync as it used to be with his while they were Benson and Stabler.

"What's wrong?" He stares at her, looking at her eyes gloss over as she stares ahead

"What isn't?"

She shifts her head away, and looks out the side window.

"There's a reason why I've been alone all this time, I'm comfortable that way, and I think it would just be a lot easier if we forgot everything that happened and I just left."

"Liv,"

"Goddamit Elliot! You can't be calling me that anymore, you've been absent for three years of my life without a word. How am I supposed to know who you are anymore? I don't know who I am anymore."

"Why do you do it?" He asks as he starts treading on the gas

"Do what?" She asks, irritated

"Run. When something doesn't go you're way, you run."

"Then how come when something doesn't go your way, you decide to find the nearest wall of locker?" She snaps back, giving him a stare and then breaking contact with him

"As much as you want to run away, no matter where you run, you'll always end up running into yourself."

"I'm still here aren't I? I haven't self destructed, I'm alive, I'm working and I find myself getting up everyday, still breathing."

She watches his reaction, knowing that he probably thinks she's destroyed herself without him. Olivia wants him him to burn, to feel what she felt when he left. He left, leaving a pile of self destruction with him. But she won't let him have it.

"You know what isn't fair?" He says, stopping on the brakes one again

"That life isn't fair?" Yeah, that, of course. But you know what else? That it's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief... lessens. Eventually. "

Her finds himself self chuckling, while Olivia ignores him

"I don't know how we did it. I don't know how we were Benson and Stabler."

She interrupts him, in a soft quoted voice.

"You're so raw, and I'm just a mess. You could never get anything out of me, and I'd see you, with that raw emotion, just maybe the fact that we happened to have a ninety seven percent closure rate. " She says, laughing a bit

"Maybe it's because we seldom showed so much raw emotion together. It was shear rawness."

"Maybe. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, I don't really know anymore." She says responding, cracking out the last few words

_She said I don't know because that had became her answer to everything._

_I don't know._

_Not anymore_.

* * *

_**Don't worry, she will definitely still give him a hard time, and more stuff coming up next chapter! :) please leave a review! **_


	14. Chapter 14

_**Thanks for holding out, and I plan on some good stuff coming up... :) please leave a review.**_

* * *

Chapter 14

She looks up at him from her brochures, watching him pace to the fridge, looking at the calendar.

She wants to know the reason why, why he left, why he left her. But she's afraid to cut the thin rope that's binding them together for now.

"Do you like it here?" She asks, peeling the label of the beer bottle she holds

"Yeah, I do." He responds

She's quiet for a few minutes.

* * *

They're sitting on opposite sides of the couch, Olivia running her hands through her hair, and Elliot playing with the label on his beer bottle.

"How come we're so fucked up?" She asks, staring at the wall in front of her

"Maybe it's some path, I don't really know anymore."

"It feels like one fire after another, constantly on repeat."

He's silent for a few moments.

"We were always so built up with the things that haunted us."

_Things still haunt her._

* * *

He wants to know why he can see her cheekbones even more than he had before. He wants to know why she's lost weight, why she's lost the fight, why she's lost the light in her eyes. He wants to know the reason for the dark circles under her eyes.

"Were you happy with her?" He asks

"Who?"

"Serena, you know, when she wasn't drunk."

Olivia stares at the magazine that rests on her lap

"I was happy when she wasn't, she was a good mother, she loved me. I loved her. She didn't make herself a monster."

Elliot stares at her profile, watching her eyes focus downwards.

"What about you? Were you happy?"

She didn't know much about his father, only his mother.

"He was tough on me, always told me to be a man, but I think my dad was happy. I phrase it like that because he seldom showed much emotion. Hugs and kisses were a rarity for me growing up, and when they did happen, they often struck me as lifeless, something he did because he felt he was supposed to, not because he wanted to."

She finds herself silent.

"How come you're not sleeping?" He questions, making eye contact with her

"There's a lot of reasons not to sleep."

"What is it?" He pushes

"Everything." She gets up, pushing her self off the couch with her hands

"Why didn't you tell me about Sealview?"

She whips around, facing him, five feet away, his eyes burning into hers.

"Why didn't you tell me about your mother?" She snaps back

He is quiet, but comes back at her.

"It was always hard to talk to you. Still is. You always pushed people away."

"Fine Elliot, you're so goddamn stubborn but you know what Elliot, whatever you're thinking about Sealview, Harris didn't rape me. Fin got there before he did anything."

"I wasn't there, I should of been there to back you up."

"It's not your fault Elliot, I placed myself there at the wrong time."

"It's not yours either Liv. You gotta know that."

"Fine but I'm over it now."

He looks at her like she's unsure of what she's saying.

"Do you ever get scared?"

"Yeah. Sometimes. It's not like you're walking around terrified all the time, even when things are going to hell around you."

"It's just you're...reacting, trying to stay alive. Things are happening so fast that you don't have time to think much of anything except doing your job and trying not to die. It usually affects you afterward, once you're clear. That's when you realize how close you came."

She reaches for the glass of water on the table, and drinks from it.

"I should of been there."

"As bad as it was, I learned something about myself. That I could go through something like that and survive. I mean, I know it could have been worse-a lot worse- but for me, it was all I could have handled at the time. It took a while to sleep."

"You're still not sleeping, I can tell."

She knows he is digging into her, prying information from her.

"Just tired." She mutters.

_But you could tell it was not just a lack of sleep, but a lack of hope and happiness that made her act the way she did._

She looks at him with dark eyes, being blocked from her, only having to keep trying to break her shell.

"I'm going to take a quick shower, you want another beer?" Elliot asks

"No, I'm good."

Elliot left the room, letting Olivia be buried in her thoughts.

* * *

He'd left her without a trace, and now he wouldn't say why. He didn't dare to let Olivia out of his sight, he needed time. He needed her to listen when he would explain.

* * *

_He learned my secrets, scars, bruises, flaws, and then he left._

She sits on the couch, curled up with her knees to her chest listening to water run.

_Just when things start going well I start planting land mines inside my life so_

_everything explodes and I'm left alone_

_And for some reason I'm convinced this is what's right for me. In misery, I'm home._

* * *

He walks out of the bathroom, entering the hallway and into the living room. She's asleep, her arms wrapped around her knees, protecting her self from the pain the world has given her enough of. Elliot takes the knit blanket from the chair near the couch, drooping it over Olivia.

" I'm sorry. " he whispers

* * *

_**please leave a review. :)**_


	15. Chapter 15

_**Hoping you enjoy this chapter. Don't forget to review! **_

* * *

Chapter 15

She wakes up in the middle of her sleep, only to find herself back in Elliot's living room. A blanket is wrapped around body, cradling her shoulders. Elliot walks down the hall, and into the living room, seeing her awake.

"I saw you out here, you fell asleep while I was taking a shower."

"Oh" she sighs, stirring from the couch and getting up, taking the blanket off herself.

"I can take you back to your hotel if you want, I also have an extra room down the hall if you want." Elliot offers

Olivia glances at the clock that hangs on the kitchen wall

"It's almost eleven already?" She says to herself

As much as she wants to go back to her hotel, she doesn't have the strength to argue with Elliot on why she won't take the extra room.

"Uh, I'll take the room, but you're buying breakfast tomorrow."

"Alright" he says, smirking

"You can borrow some sweats to sleep in."

Olivia watches him turn around and walk down the hall. She follows him quietly. He leads her to a oak door that opens to a spare bedroom with a queen bed. Elliot takes out black sweatpants and a white t shirt with the giants logo on it.

"They're Kathleen's, she uses them when she visits, she won't mind though. The bathroom is around the corner, under the sink is extra towels and tooth brushes, if you need anything else, just ask."

He leaves the room and she's left sitting on the bed. She shivers with the slight breeze that comes through the window. The room is plain, a pale blue, absent from any posters or decor.

She changes into the clothes, and sits on the side of the bed, moving underneath the covers and turning off the light letting the city lights illuminate the ceiling.

* * *

He listened to her voicemails months after she had given up. There were times when he'd thought he'd hear his name being called by her, constantly turning around to seek the familiar face of her. After his move to San Francisco, he'd sworn that he had seen her in the docks down by the Embarcadero, leaning against the wooden railing, looking out at the Bay Bridge. He had walked towards her until she turned, only finding bright green eyes, instead of the full brown eyes that he looked at everyday.

The presence of her lingers in the house, and the worst way to miss somebody is when there right beside you, and you miss them anyway. He misses her to hell. The light shines through his curtains, blinding him, only forcing him to turn over. It's ten on the afternoon and he doesn't hear movement in the kitchen or living room. He gets up, walking down the hallway, towards the guest room, only to see that Olivia is asleep in the middle of the bed, her hair a complete mess, and her limbs spread out. He smiles and walks to the kitchen, pouring himself coffee.

She said she was tired, and he knew she was. He knows she hasn't slept right in years, he knows she didn't sleep right anymore when she had transferred to computer crimes. He knows that she didn't sleep right in Oregon, he knows she didn't sleep for days after Sealview, he knows she didn't sleep well after saving Kathy and Eli, and he knows she hasn't slept right since he left.

It's his fault having deprived her of sleep. She deserved to sleep, to rest, to go out and have fun, and to be happy.

* * *

She steps out of the shower, taking a towel to her hair, teasing it dry and allowing it to air dry into natural waves. Steam comes off her olive colored skin as she changes her clothes. Her steps echo in the hall while Elliot peers around the entrance to the living room

"I got a place to go for breakfast."

"Okay, I'm ready." She says, brushing her pants down

Elliot wears navy jeans with a pastel blue shirt, the awkward sense that he's in casual clothing than the work shirts and ties she'd always saw him in.

"It's a half hour drive, but it's worth it."

He allows her to walk past him, waiting on the porch as he locks the door to the Victorian. The black jeep waits in front of the house.

* * *

He pulls up in front of a beach front, parking on gravel.

"They have some good hotdogs at Crissy Fields, thought we could walk and eat."

They walk past dog walkers and into a pathway where people walk past each other. They stop at a hot dog stand while she stands next to him, waiting for the older couple in front of them to finish their order. It reminds her of a memory, when they were younger, right before 9/11, they had gotten hot dogs at a Nathan's stand on the street, he'd ordered a hotdog for her with relish, mustard, and ketchup, and soon that became her favorite choice of hotdogs. She smiles slightly to herself.

"Liv, here."

She'd been out of it and he'd ordered it, her usual. She takes it from his hand, and she slightly smirks.

"How'd you know I still like these?"

"Took a risk."

"Start walking Stabler." She says, slightly smirking

They walk away from the car, walking on the outside of the path, on the side that faces the bay. She's on the inside, between the bay and Elliot. They don't talk, but only walk, listen, and stare at the sights ahead of them. Elliot finishes his hot dog and throws the foil into a nearby garbage can, allowing her to walk ahead without realizing it, and then catching up with a small jog, side by side next to her, strides missing their sync.

"Livia?" He says, slightly cutting the o off of her name

She's in the middle of swallowing a bite of her hotdog, she swallows, responding

"Yeah?"

"How'd you do it?"

"What?"

"Survive everything."

"I don't know, I really don't know."

He stops her on the path and slightly makes her face him, he's slightly taller than her looking down at her as she looks up at him.

"Liv, what happened?"

"I already told you what happened"

She wouldn't tell him what happened, because what happened was that he left. _He left her._

* * *

He'd driven her back to her hotel. To get her things. She'd agreed to stay at his place, for the spare room. Elliot had convinced her, and she took the offer. She asked him if he could help her with her stuff, and now, she's toppled over the queen mattress, laying on her back on the very end of it, her legs dangling off the end of the bed.

"What the hell is in these? Rocks?" Elliot says, coming into the room, putting down two suitcases on the floor and then finding himself laying down on the opposite side of the bed.

There's about three feet of space between them. He looks over at her for a slight moment, her hair is fanned out, framing her face, and shirt slightly revealing her belt to her jeans. Together, they stare up at the ceiling, hands on top of their stomachs, listening to each other's breathing. They fall in sync, breathing against each other's heart beats.

He notices her breath falter, and she takes a deep breath, her mouth slightly open.

"El?"

"Mm?"

"Why did you have to leave?"

He doesn't say a word, but only listens to her breath quicken, and he sees a small tear slide down her cheek.

"Why did you leave me?" She says quietly, turning over on her left side, away from him.

He's stuck in silence as he listens to her hitched breathing.

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**_I hope you enjoyed this chapter...leave a review! Excuse any typos..._**


	16. Chapter 16

_**I left you all for a while, sorry I've been really busy, and now I've had my chapter ready! I hope you all like it, and please take time to review.**_

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Ch 16

He was sitting up now on the bed, facing away from her, looking out the window. Olivia had gotten up and now was walking towards the door. She stopped for a moment and leaned on the door frame, her back facing into the room.

_Part of him aches at the thought of her being so close yet so untouchable, but her story and his are different now. It wasn't easy for him to accept the simple truth that he had left he, because there was a time when their stories were the same._

"Liv"

She doesn't respond but only changes her footing while leaning in the doorway.

Olivia remains silent, only listening to Elliot shift on the bed.

"I left and realized that Jenna could of killed any one of us. I took my chances and shot her, I immediately thought I'd chosen the job over someone, than watching out for my partner, and I know we relied so heavily on each other, but then I couldn't face you, because my fear was losing you everyday when we were partners. If I lost you, I couldn't handle it because I would've known that you would of depended on me to save you. I just wouldn't be able to take it if I lost you. So I chose to walk away. I walked away from you when I shouldn't have."

"You left me hanging El."

Elliot remains silent, letting Olivia's words sink into him

"Hell, even Cragen told me you left, you didn't have the guts to tell me."

"I'm sorry-"

She shakes her head and walks into the hallway while Elliot gets up from the bed, turning around the corner and catching her wrist.

"Just wait a second. We can't leave it like this."

She turns around to face him, slightly pulling from his grip. He finally sees it, he sees how shattered she became since he left. He was supposed to protect her and he shattered her. He shattered her into pieces that couldn't be glued back together.

* * *

_You couldn't handle her anymore, she was broken and you thought you weren't. The truth is she was struggling to survive and trying to remember how to breathe. Everyday was hard for her and you didn't make it any easier all those times people questioned her about her shaking hands or vacant state. She tried not to be so obvious about the fact that it felt like the world was sitting on her shoulders and that she thought she might collapse at any second, she tried to hide her sadness, she always smiled, even though just moments before she had been clutching her chest in the bathroom stall to keep her heart from jumping out of her throat and you'll see her weeks from the day you told her you couldn't deal with her pain and despair any longer and you won't recognize the her walking by because she'll have met some people who will fill the emptiness in her eyes and put some strength into her spine and you'll wish you had bothered to fucking try._

* * *

He had gone out to take a jog after he had let her go. She was sitting in the front room, looking at her bags that she had gathered at the front door. He had admitted that he left because he wouldn't be able to take it if he lost her while they were partners. But he had left her in her time of need, when she needed him most, and she had tried to comfort him, and he had left her without telling her. _It was true, leaving was easy while trying to stay was hard._

That was it, she took her bags and walked out the door. She left with no note, no message, no nothing.

* * *

He had been approaching his block after an hour and a half , pacing towards his door, not before noticing the empty parking spot across the street that once was occupied by Olivia's car. Elliot opened the gate to the front yard, then entering his front door and walking down the hallway, ignoring his desperate thirst for water. Her things were gone, things placed back where they were. The pajama set on the bed. He took a deep breath, sighing, and falling onto the couch of his living room.

He picked up his cell phone that was on the kitchen counter, and dialed the contact he hadn't touched in years.

* * *

She had returned the rental at SFO, taking a return flight to JFK and landing in New York around nine. The city lights blinded her, but she adjusted herself, getting used to the big city once again. She'd turned off her phone completely before the flight had started, not bothering to check it. The taxi ride back to her apartment was quiet, and she entered her apartment, leaving her luggage near the doorway, too tired to unpack.

_Her body aches, exhausted. Her arms feeling heavy and her legs sore. Her body aches for it to all stop_.

As she turns her phone on, placing it on the kitchen counter, she takes the bottle of vodka out of the cabinet. Straight vodka was her choice tonight. Just enough to get her to forget the day, just to be a little hazy.

An alert from her phone sounded and she looks at the caller ID. Elliot, the first he'd called her cell in years. She missed it, she missed the late night calls, everything. She takes a sip of vodka, knowing that straight vodka burns less than telling him what he did, broke her, _shattered her._

_no amount of alcohol will make him come back_

The voicemail plays and she listens to it. Ten words couldn't have hit her harder.

_"I care. It fucking terrifies me how much I care."_

He hung up then, leaving her in silence with the bottle in her hand.

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_**yep, I did it...stay tuned for the next chapter...Also, don't forget to review!**_


	17. Chapter 17

_**dont forget to review. :) **_

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Chapter 17

_You can have Manhattan_

_I know it's for the best_

_I'll gather up the avenues_

_And leave them on your doorstep_

_And I'll tip toe away_

_So you won't have to say_

_You heard me leave_

She wakes up, listening to honking taxis outside her window. Her legs are wrapped in sheets as she pulls the comforter closer to her shoulders. She can feel her eyes droop, she can feel how tired she is. It's a Wednesday, but she gets up out of bed anyways. Cragen had allowed her to take some personal time off, and he told her as long as she needed.

The shower runs cold, but she doesn't care, she takes a quick shower and let's her hair naturally dry, giving her soft waves. Concealer doesn't help with the dark circles under eyes. Her head aches from the alcohol from the night before! She grabs the thermos of coffee and her bottle of Advil from her kitchen counter, also making sure her gun and badge are on her belt, and she walks out of her door.

* * *

"Liv?"

Cragen calls her name as she sits at her desk looking over recent cases

She looks up, seeing Cragen motion for her in his office.

Olivia follows behind him as he stands behind his desk, and she closes the door.

"How are things?" He asks

"Fine, just needed some time."

"You sure you don't want another day, you look tired."

"I'm ok cap, thanks."

* * *

"Liv? You in there?"

It's nearly ten at night and her head pounds as she leans against the headboard of her bed, listening to Nick outside her front door. All she knows is that she's too tired to get up and open the door.

"I'll bust the door down if I have to." He says

She gets up, not wanting to have to pay for a new door, and unlocks the door.

"I opened it just because I didn't want to have to buy a new door." She gives him a slight smirk, and he looks at her worried.

Olivia walks around the kitchen counter and sits on one of the stools. Amaro leans on the counter opposite from her, and he looks at her for a moment.

"Have you eaten at all?"

Olivia rolls her eyes, and Nick turns around, opening her cabinets, only finding a few cans of soup and two or three near empty vodka and whiskey bottles. He takes the bottles and pours the rest of the liquid down the drain.

"Liv, you need something to eat, grab something to wear, I'll take you out."

Nick watches her slowly pull herself out of the chair and walk out of the room. He waits for her as he hears rustling from her bedroom

"I'm ready."

She wears her gray coat that she usually wears around fall. He notices that it doesn't fit her as well as it did last time he had seen her in it. It was looser.

* * *

"Was everybody alright without me there?"

"Yeah, we closed some cases, everything was good." Nick responds, watching Olivia take a bite of the club sandwich he had ordered for her

"Liv, you alright being alone?"

"Nick I'm fine."

"You can stay with me and Zara-"

"I'm okay Nick, seriously."

Liv looks at him in the eyes, but in a way that he notices the helplessness.

* * *

He watches her enter her apartment building, and he drives off.

There was something about him that reminded her of Elliott. They both kept pushing forward to make sure she could take care of herself, to make sure that was okay, to make sure she would still be thriving by herself. But Elliot had his way with her for twelve years, and he knew when she was collapsing.

She slips into her bed and turns the light off.

_You can have Manhattan_

_The one we used to share_

_The one where we were laughing_

_And drunk on just being there_

_You can have Manhattan_

_Cause I can't have you_

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_**Sorry for such a short chapter, I'll have a longer one up next time! Don't forget to review.**_


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